i want to be myself

so i made another journal for the purpose of practicing estonian, vihmavari. i've got two entries up at the moment, both of which start with me using the estonian language. i feel like i'm making progress...minimal, but still.

i did consider setting up a blog on blogi.ee, but i don't think my estonian is good enough for that yet. hopefully in the future, i'll be able to access a space where i can interact with native estonian speakers. i'm not experienced enough for that at the moment.

that's all i've got to say for now, i'm too tired to write a proper entry, so this'll have to do. head aega!

i made my previous entry private. frankly, it was embarrassing, and i have no idea what i was thinking when i was writing it.

last night, i experienced something that i can only describe as an elevated mood. (this may not be the exact term i'm looking for, but i can't think of any other way to describe it. forgive me.) during this, i wrote about how tool's parabola made me feel.

i want to get into photography, and i was going to look for a camera (because i know i own at least one) but i never got around to doing that; i have been browsing 4channel's /p/ board (you may all laugh) and photographic memorabilia. it's been at least 11 years since i've touched a camera, so i want to re-visit that.

ahh, i didn't mean to disappear for so long...i want to post more, but i have no idea what to post. well, i've been posting frequently to my ij, so if you want to see how i've been doing, feel free to take a look. i migrated to ij from livejournal because it's on russian servers and, frankly, lj has kinda gone to shit after it was sold to sup media. anyway: today is may 17, and i've been so exhausted all day! i was overwhelmed by all the noise. if you're not aware, may 17 is constitution day here in norway. i've always disliked it due to how loud everything is on this particular day. other than that, i don't have anything else to discuss. i hope everyone's doing okay.

kuidas käsi käib? (yes you, i'm talking directly to you.) i've been trying to learn estonian lately :) it's hard but it becomes kind of comfy once you figure out how to pronounce these new scary letters and stop crying yourself to sleep every night because you can't stop wondering what you got yourself into. finnish will always be comfier though also, i'm going to try to learn khakas as well, because it interests me and every time i remember that literally NOBODY compiled existing english-language resources for this language in a single accessible place i get so mad that i have to step back and calm myself down. god

( incoherent rambling )

 i bought a bunch of notebooks and a pair of earmuffs
i had a nice time

 had to edit one of my entries because it could've caused a huge misunderstanding

for the unaware: i have autism, specifically asperger's (i know that not many people like that term/label/???, but that is my diagnosis). being neurodivergent is hard, so here are some things i hate about it.

inappropriate reactions

ok so someone will tell me "hey this thing happened to me and i'm upset about it". my immediate reaction would be to smile or laugh. why? i don't Want to laugh or smile, but my brain is so fuckled that it goes "this person is going through something. let's make their day even worse" and before i know it i let out a chuckle. that's why people hate me lmfao

my voice

my voice ranges from incredibly monotonous or unnecessarily expressive. i have very little control over it and it bothers me. when it's monotonous, it's really deep and i can't speak for more than 5 minutes because of the strain it puts on my throat. when it's expressive, i sound like a dumbass and people look at me weird

issues with communication

being autistic, i have some issues with communication. i don't ask people for help when i need it, i have very few friends, and a general disinterest in befriending others. that's pretty much it

my mind is full of fuck

my brain won't shut up. people are constantly talking inside my head and i can't tell them to shut up because they can't hear me. talking about how i'm worthless and capable of nothing etc etc the usual. it's...upsetting? i don't know what it is. it's weird and i don't like it

 deleted the post with the link to my ij because I Have That Power.

anyway i'm having :-) fun :-)

i can't stop listening to zvuki mu